A Walk to Remember, Our Journey through Infertility

I have been on this journey since I got married almost nine years ago. I married my best friend and he accepted and loved me and my son (from a previous relationship) unconditionally. At the time, I was young (28) and my son was only seven years old. Life was good. We were young and free. But, I knew there could be complications with having more children. I had multiple intestinal surgeries in my mid-twenties that left me with a 50% chance of infertility, but those surgeries gave me life. After suffering with ulcerative colitis since I was a teenager, I was finally living life with no complications…or so I thought, until I tried to have more babies.

We got married in beautiful Ocho Rios, Jamaica. It was the perfect destination wedding for us. So much fun, a vacation with a wedding! My prayer was to get pregnant on my honeymoon. That would have been so fabulous as there was already a built-in seven year gap. I didn’t want to wait for the ‘perfect’ time because I knew there was no such thing.  We lived life and got adjusted to being married and didn’t really focus on trying to conceive, but it was always in the back of my mind. Eventually after two years of not doing anything to prevent pregnancy and there were still no signs of getting pregnant, we began to talk about our options. These conversations were not at all pleasant, nor did they leave me with any hope. We prayed and fasted every.single.year because that was really our only plan, but every.single.year. I would still not get pregnant. This really sucked. It sucked so majorly because every one of my sisters (even my sister-in-law and first cousin) were pregnant at the same time. It sucked. But I was happy for them because it was their first child. My first nieces and nephews. 🙂 That was in 2010/2011.

Later that year, Derrick and I started discussing fertility treatments. Derrick was adamant that we could “NOT play God” and he was totally against all things IVF, reproductive assistance, etc. He was not participating. This broke my heart and led to so much disappointment. We really didn’t even have the money, so I suggested that we could borrow from our 401K as a solution to the financial part. But that didn’t work either. He was not having it in any way, shape, form or function.  So we went back to life. Started focusing on getting out of debt, making our finances line up with what we believed. We worked hard and after two years of practicing Dave Ramsey’s financial peace baby steps, we got out of debt in 2014! That was one of the best things that ever happened to us, because it allowed us to dream and it also allowed us to seriously look into IVF.

Five years of marriage, five years of trying, five years of praying….what if IVF was the miracle that God had for us? Finally, Derrick agreed to at least go see what IVF was all about. After meeting with several doctors and researching and persuading him that ultimately it was still up to God, he agreed. Wheeeeew! So we started the process. It was rough. Looking back, I realize that the medicine and hormones changed me; it took about 3 months after stopping all meds to get back to normal. My poor husband and son, I am not sure how they did it.

My first round of IVF was successful in the fact that I got 10 eggs and 8 were mature and 8 fertilized, but I did a fresh transfer of two  “beautiful/perfect” embryos and it was a big fat fail! It was horrible because we told no one and we suffered in silence through the holidays. It was one of the worst times of my life.

After Christmas was over, we picked ourselves up and met again with our IVF doctor (RE). I was angry with him, I was disappointed with God, and I felt like a failure. Emotionally, financially, and physically I felt devastated. But, I am not one to sit in my emotions for long. I have much to be thankful for. So we planned the next step which included a surgery to block my tubes using Essure which I did not want. Because deep inside, I was still praying for a miracle from God and blocking my tubes seemed to be the antithesis of having that even be a possibility. But I proceeded with great faith that maybe this would help IVF work if I did this procedure. It took me six months to heal from the procedure….more waiting.

Finally, it’s the summer of 2015. I am healed from my surgery and now it’s go time for my frozen embryo transfer (FET). We had two embryos transferred in July. Something was different this time, I could tell. And when I tested, I got a big fat POSITIVE! Praise the Lord, how amazing, how great is our God! I was pregnant. I told everyone right away. I wasn’t even four weeks along, but I was so ecstatic. I went on to have a mostly uneventful pregnancy and a healthy, natural delivery. I felt so blessed. Our little girl Aniyah (“the Lord has answered”) has been such a blessing to our family. Because of her, my business was birthed, because of her our family has a new burst of joy (because teenagers can be hard). I savored every minute of her being a little baby. I breastfed her for 13 months and our bond is amazing. I am so glad to have the opportunity to be a mom and actually enjoy it because when I had my son at twenty I was in survival mode. So we are enjoying all our blessings now and we are so grateful for our family. But I did not feel my family was complete. There was no way I would leave my remaining embryos without giving them a chance for life. I had two more left “in the freezer” and I could not wait to get them transferred.

I’m Ready to Get My Babies….

The RE recommended that I wait 18 months before I tried to conceive again. That seemed so conservative, but I did as I was told. When it got close to 18 months, I called and made my appointment. It took a month to get an appointment, then there was all the screening and testing and finally I got my calendar to start my FET protocol. I started my birth control in September, so I could get my baseline sonogram in October. My protocol was easy, no needles this time, just oral estrogen and vaginal progesterone. We prayed. These were our last two embryos. I had a dream I had triplets. We told lots of people to pray for us and with us. We hoped and prayed some more. We had our transfer on December 6th. Upon our arrival, we found out that we only had one embryo to transfer. What a bummer, but I had to be glad we had one. I named her my Lone Rangerette (I wanted Aniyah to have a sister).

 

 

 

Our transfer went without a hitch. My husband prayed as I squirmed on the table while my RE told me to relax as five people watched as he shot the embryo into my womb through the catheter. How does one relax with a gazillion people watching you get impregnated? I think the Valium kicked in at that point. LOL. I went home, relaxed, hoped and prayed.

And then I looked at my calendar and said “Lord, please don’t let this be a replay…” I realized that I would find out if we were pregnant a few days before Christmas. This could go really well or it could be really depressing. And I did not want a replay. And this time this was my last shot. We hoped and prayed, I waited to feel something, to feel anything. I talked to God, I talked to my Lone Rangerette and we waited. Finally, I decided to take a home pregnancy test, it came back negative, but that was okay, maybe it was still really early. Then my prayers began to change Lord if I am not pregnant, please don’t let my cycle come on before I go back in for the blood pregnancy test. So he granted me that. My cycle didn’t come on. I went in for my test on December 19th. Did my Lone Rangerette make it? Would I have great news to share? Sadly, no. No baby. No Lone Rangerette. We were so sad. It was over. Our IVF journey is over. It hurts to even say that. I have no clue what God has in store for our family. I thought, hoped, prayed that one day I would have a big, happy family. Next year Jalen will graduate and it will just be us and Aniyah. But that is enough to be grateful for. I am grateful. We are blessed. I realize that some people never even get the chance to try IVF, some try and never even get one baby, some have suffered multiple miscarriages. So, I am grateful for my chance to take this journey. We got our 1 out of 10 and we are eternally grateful.

What’s Next?

Christmas did not look the way I hoped it would. There is a part of me that hurts for the four embryos that did not make it. I am sad that this part of the journey is over.  But I have learned that God is still good and I understand that I do not know what he has in store for us. But a part of me still hopes for a miracle someday because I know he can do it!

 

Enjoy your blessings my friends….